The New Identity

I crave adult conversation but I don’t have the ability to focus on them. My mind is constantly on a million things at once. You always have to prep. It feels like you always need to be a step ahead, but it’s so easy to feel like you’re 3 steps behind. “Both babies are sleeping for hopefully the next 3 minutes? Round up the dirty burp clothes and bibs and throw them in the laundry. Prep the bottles. When do they eat again? Who should I bathe first? What are we doing for dinner? Did I eat lunch? When am I going to pump next? Oh! Laundry is done! I have to fold it quickly before they wake up!... Oh, never mind.”

I also feel foggy all the time. I feel like I either forget to tell my husband stuff, or I tell him something 20 times. Most of my sentences start with, “Did I already tell you...?” 

I have to reconcile with my new identity as a mom as my old identity fades into the background. It’s not that my old identity has completely disappeared, she just doesn’t matter as much anymore. She is there. She enjoys a glass of wine (and gets to indulge from time to time). She sometimes gets a little jealous when she sees her friends on vacation. She still wishes she could go out to dinner with friends at 8 pm.

The new mom is always questioning herself. She always tries to calm two babies at once. She always tries to be their entertainment and their comfort. She is also very sensitive. She doesn’t need judgment and passive aggressive questioning. She’s hard enough on herself.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

~ Rajneesh

Today my babies are 3 months old. Thus, the end of the 4th trimester.  It feels like I blinked and they suddenly aged and it also feels like I’ve had them forever. Motherhood is hard. Motherhood is stressful. Motherhood changes every detail of your life. Motherhood is bliss.