Twin Mom Guilt

Twin mom guilt

Before I became a mom, I fantasized holding my baby and rocking him/her to sleep. I thought my baby would look up at me and smile and I would smile back.  I didn’t realize having twins would keep me from bonding as much as I would like.

Shortly after the twins were born, I realized breastfeeding them would be too time consuming. I couldn’t get them both on the breastfeeding pillow and get the to latch by myself. Feeding them separately would basically take up my entire day. I realized to try to maintain some sanity I would have to pump and then feed them in bouncer chairs.

This process isn’t one where I feel especially bonded and I don’t feel like it’s “special” in any sense. Feeding them almost feels more “clinical” than anything. 

The moments where one twin is napping and I can hold the other and stare into their eyes are actually the highlights of my day. “I’m here. Just you and me.” 

I don’t think there’s one twin mom who doesn’t constantly think, “Did I hold Baby A more than Baby B today? Did I bond more with Baby A? Is Baby B going to get a complex?” 

I don’t think there’s one twin mom who doesn’t think, “God, this would be so much easier with just one. Oh man, I’m such a bitch for thinking that. No, no, of course I love them both and I want them both... but people just don’t understand. I want to punch people that say, ‘Twins? I wish I had twins.’”

Not only does the, “I wish I had twins” comment make me feel like they’re downplaying how hard my life is right now, they are completely forgetting the cost of twins. Having twins is more expensive than just having 2 kids. You have two kids born at different times, you probably only have one crib (unless they’re born really close in age), you probably only have one swing, one bouncer chair, one bassinet... do you see where I’m going with this? 

I know this stage will pass. I am in this constant state of wanting time to speed up, then hoping it slows down during those quiet, blissful moments.  

Mommin’ ain’t easy... twin mommin’ is really hard... anyone that’s a mom to multiples higher than two, I don’t know how you do it, but you deserve a medal!